


I Just Want You to Know Who I Am

by I_have_a_Mycroft_of_my_very_own



Series: Malec One Shots [21]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Depression, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Torture, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Past Torture, Past Violence, Scars, this one is dark guys, you been warned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-06
Updated: 2019-05-06
Packaged: 2020-02-27 03:43:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18731014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_have_a_Mycroft_of_my_very_own/pseuds/I_have_a_Mycroft_of_my_very_own
Summary: In which Magnus tells Alec the most explosive of his secrets, and thus shows Alec that happiness isn't something so easily obtained, or kept, so he should not sacrifice his everything in pursuit of it.





	I Just Want You to Know Who I Am

**Author's Note:**

> The timeline is like a mess in my mind on a good day so to clean this up a bit, for this fic verse, Ragnor met Magnus pretty much immediately after Magnus banished Asmodeus to Edom when he was young. Cat met Magnus maybe about a century later. George was before Camille. 
> 
> This one absolutely, super duper broke my heart but it wouldn't let me go!
> 
> Title is from Iris- Goo Goo Dolls

They’re curled up in bed a week after Jonathan is dealt with and Magnus has been retrieved from Edom. A week after they almost destroyed both of their lives. A week after they became engaged. A week after indulging in each other, with no concerns for the world around them. They’re cuddling in bed a week after the world almost ends, when Magnus suddenly pulls away from Alec and sits up.

“Glamours are special magic, Alexander, did you know?” he questions, looking at Alec with a frown.

“No, but I imagine you’re about to tell me why.” Alec answers, frowning straight back.

“Warlock glamours do not draw continuously from their power source to remain active, unlike glamours created by Shadowhunters, werewolves or vampires. Seelie glamours are similar to our own. Depending on how much magic we have at our disposal, our glamours can hold for up to three weeks before they begin to fall if there is no power source for them to draw on. Without Lorenzo’s magic, my glamours would have begun to fall, instead, they were charged up, and would have lasted another three weeks. But that’s… that’s not why I went to Lorenzo. It was just a happy coincidence.” Magnus explains, looking down at his hands and sighing heavily.

“What are you glamouring?” Alec asks, sitting up and reaching out for Magnus, but Magnus pulls away, refuses to look at Alec as his hand lights up with magic and he runs it down the length of his body, his clothing slowly disappearing as he goes, until he’s left sitting in his underwear. He closes his eyes, sucks in a deep breath and concentrates, pulling his glamours apart one by one.

* * *

Alec doesn’t know what Magnus is doing, knows it is important to his warlock or he wouldn’t be doing it at all, but doesn’t know why it is important. So, he says nothing, just watches.

He can’t help the gasp that falls from his lips when the skin around Magnus’ eyes flickers and the glamour falls away, revealing claw scars, like someone tried to tear out Magnus’ eyes. Alec reaches up, his hand shaking, but he doesn’t touch, not yet. Instead, he breathes deeply and pulls his hand back, holding it in his lap with shear strength of will as the other glamours begin to fall.

A scar is revealed around Magnus’ neck, like a rope mark and it makes Alec’s blood boil at the very sight of it. The word FREAK is carved into Magnus’ right forearm, the left bears a complimentary scar of MONSTER. Magnus’ left wrist also bears the scarring of what Alec immediately recognizes as the Agony rune, and it is the most recent of Magnus’ scars, based on the colouring of the scar tissue. That makes Alec’s heart ache in a way he doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to describe. The Agony Rune covers another scar, one that wraps itself around Magnus’ wrist and is mirrored on his right one. The scar is uneven, but Alec is certain he knows what caused it and he refuses to dwell on the thought.

There are more scars than Alec can count dotting over Magnus’ stomach, knife wounds from stabbing and from cutting, some of them Alec thinks might be self-inflicted, but he can’t tell for certain and stubbornly chooses not to think about it, letting his eyes be dragged down further. It doesn’t help. Magnus’ thighs are riddled with scars, from burns and from cuts. There are words that look to have been carved or burnt into Magnus’ flesh. Each in a language Alec doesn’t understand, but he understands the meaning of them very well, based on the English words around them - _NOTHING, MURDERER, WORTHLESS-_ and he has to force himself to continue breathing. He has to force himself not to give in to the anger and grief he can feel still building within him.

After Magnus’ thighs, there are only two glamours left to fall and Alec watches as Magnus’ skin shimmers, before the scars appear. Like the scars on Magnus’ wrists, these wrap the entire way around his ankles in thick, uneven lines. Alec clenches his jaw and has to resist the urge to reach out and pull Magnus into his arms, because his warlock isn’t finished. Alec frowns when Magnus starts to shift in place, but the question he wants to ask dies in his throat when Magnus turns, and Alec sees the scarring criss-crossing over his back. Thin, white lines that leave no question as to what caused them. Alec can’t help himself this time, reaching out to gently touch the scars, tries desperately to ignore the way Magnus flinches so violently under his touch.

“Magnus?” he whispers, barely able to give any sound to the word, his heart in his throat.

“I-I’m showing you because we’re going to be married. There shouldn’t… there shouldn’t be any secrets between us any longer, not these kinds of secrets.” Magnus explains, his voice shaking, _no_ , Alec realizes, horrified, _Magnus_ is shaking. Trembling so hard beneath his fingers that it scares Alec, Magnus has never reacted like this to _anything_. "I'm showing you because I need you to _know,_ to _understand."_

Alec’s mind is made up before he is even consciously aware of it, as he moves, shuffles himself on the bed so he’s sitting in front of Magnus, then he reaches forward and pulls Magnus’ into his arms, loose enough that Magnus can pull away if he wants. Alec breathes, tries to ignore the way Magnus is suddenly so tense in his arms, but Alec just closes his eyes and breathes, unable to do anything else, unable to offer anything else. Eventually, Magnus gives in, clinging to Alec, who manoeuvres them so they’re once more lying down, their bodies pressed so closely together. Alec doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t know if there is anything right to say in this situation so he doesn’t say anything, just holds Magnus close.

* * *

They’ve been cuddling in silence for a long time, Alec thinks it’s perhaps an hour when Magnus shifts in his arms, pulling himself free and sitting up.

“I-I assume you want to know what each of these is from?” Magnus questions, his voice gentle but shaking. Alec sits up quickly, reaching to take Magnus’ hands into his own, squeezing them tightly.

“You don’t owe me any explanations, Magnus. If you want to tell me, I will listen, but it is your choice. You owe me nothing.” Alec assures him, purposely looking into Magnus’ eyes so his lover can see that he means the words he says. Magnus looks into his eyes for a long moment before giving a jerky nod and sucking in a breath. He pulls one hand free from Alec’s to gently trace over the marks around his eyes, his breath hitching.

“It was after banishing my father to Edom.” Magnus explains, swallowing thickly. “I was in a very bad place. I tried to… I couldn’t stomach the thought of my eyes. So, I…” he sighs heavily and shakes his head.

“It’s okay, I understand. You don’t have to say it.” Alec soothes, his heart breaking in his chest.

“Itriedtotearthemout.” The words fall from Magnus’ lips in a rush, Alec understands them, simply because he knew what they would be.

“What... what stopped you?” he asks, because Magnus still has his eyes, clearly something stopped him.

“Ragnor.” Magnus answers, choking on the name, Alec squeezes his hand tightly, reaching up to rest his other hand on Magnus’ shoulder, Magnus leans against Alec, his body once more trembling. “Ragnor found me, h-he saved me. Healed me as much as he was able and taught me how to use my magic in a way that was… good. That was helpful to others and not… the destruction my father taught me.”

“Ragnor was a good man.” Alec murmurs, wishing he’d had the chance to meet the warlock, wishing the warlock was still around now, so Alec could thank him, for everything.

“He was the greatest man, the best warlock.” Magnus replies, a gentle smile tugging at his lips, before he breathes in deeply and pulls away from Alec again to run his hands over the mark on his neck. Alec draws in a shaking breath, there’s only two options here, Magnus tried to kill himself, or someone else did, neither option gives him joy.

“It was after I… I fell in love with a mundane woman, centuries ago. I loved her genuinely and for a while she loved me back the same, but I thought… well, it doesn’t matter what I thought. One day I decided I would tell her the truth, before she began to grow curious about why I didn’t age. She didn’t… she definitely didn’t take it well.” Magnus explains in halting words. “She told the village that I was a witch, so… they hung me from their Hanging Tree.” He says, sounding so far away. “You see, if your neck doesn’t break, it can take between ten and twenty minutes to suffocate to death.” Magnus tells Alec, his words dispassionate for all that they make Alec’s chest hurt and his eyes burn. “I don’t remember being rescued, but I woke up with Cat’s pretty, tear stained face looking down at me. That was how we met.”

“Oh, Magnus.”

“It’s alright, Alexander. It was a valuable lesson for me to learn.” Magnus promises, sniffling and rubbing at his nose, at his eyes. “I learnt it.”

“I promise to give you advance warning if I’m ever stupid and spineless enough to betray your trust like that. _Jesus_.” Alec murmurs, rubbing at his forehead, unable to think clearly. “How could she? I can’t imagine… _I’d rather die!_ ” Alec declares, because just the thought of betraying Magnus to his death is abhorrent to him, makes his blood boil and his heart ache. How could anyone do such a thing? To _Magnus_ of all people?

“She was devout. I should have known she wouldn’t react well. I shouldn’t have told her.” Magnus says, shrugging his shoulders, “But it’s done.” He tells him, before swiftly moving on, before Alec can comment further. “The words on my body are… sometimes I get low and make stupid decisions.” He explains, obviously refusing to say further on that as he starts to run his fingers over the Agony rune. “I’m certain you know what this one means?”

“I know.” Alec answers, the words tasting like ashes in his mouth. “I wish… I just wish you’d told me.”

“I tried. Couldn’t figure out how without panicking that you’d leave me.” Magnus answers, a self-deprecating smile on his face. “Of course, if I’d made you understand then, you might not have broken both our hearts and the world might have ended without me there to save it.”

“We’d have figured something out and I wouldn’t have destroyed us both.” Alec replies, sighing heavily and shaking his head. “But I just… in future, will you tell me?”

“Yes, of course!” Magnus replies, before moving to the next marks, skipping over the wrist scars that Alec so desperately wants and so urgently doesn’t want to know the cause behind. “I’ve been stabbed a few times.” Magnus explains, running his hands over the scars on his stomach. “Some of these, I-I did myself when I wanted… I just wanted out. I was exhausted with life and the idea that it was everlasting was just too much to bear.”

“And now?”

“Well, if we find a way to make you immortal, I’ll always have someone to ensure my life is never too much.” Magnus replies, a smile forming easily on his face. Alec smiles back but isn’t sure he truly succeeds. His heart hurts too much to truly muster up the strength for a genuine smile, and swiftly Magnus moves on. “As I said before, the words on my body are self-inflicted. I’ll tell you what they mean if you want?” Magnus asks, Alec can see how much Magnus doesn’t want to so he shakes his head, Magnus nods and takes a deep breath in, running his hand over the marks on his left ankle, biting his lip. “I’m sure you’ve figured out what could have caused these but-“ Magnus pauses here, starting to tremble again, his eyes burning with tears, Alec is quick to reach for him, stopping when Magnus fully flinches away, shuffling backwards on the bed.

“Magnus?” Alec asks, his voice quiet and cautious, like he’s speaking with a spooked child.

“There was a reason I locked my heart, my feelings away. Camille destroyed my heart, but she wasn’t… I would eventually have recovered from her betrayal and moved on. But, after her I was… I wasn’t thinking straight and I wasn’t as aware of the things around me as I should have been.” Magnus explains, thinking over each word carefully before he says it, Alec already knows he’s not going to like whatever Magnus has to say, especially with the way Magnus is rubbing frantically, but absently at his wrist. “Normally, drugs don’t work on warlocks, but… someone did their homework.” he mumbles, the look in his eyes letting Alec know that his lover has gone somewhere far away, Alec wants him to come back.

“Magnus?” he whispers, reaching forward again, only to stop himself before Magnus can pull away again. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want- “

“I woke up chained face down on a bed.” Magnus says, talking over Alec. “I think I’d tore open my wrists and ankles before he even came into the room. I couldn’t… you need your hands free to use magic, Alexander, and I… couldn’t.” he murmurs, closing his eyes, tears spilling unchecked down his face, it takes Alec a moment to realize he’s crying, too. He wants desperately to pull Magnus into his arms, never let go, promise to protect him always, but he can’t, because Magnus will not abide his touch, so he clenches his hands into fists in his lap and tries desperately not to vibrate with anger and grief. “I don’t… I still don’t know what I ever did to upset him or to offend him… or if I did anything at all. I still don't even know his name! But… he took great pleasure in my pain.”

“Tell me he’s dead.” Alec hisses, unable to do anything else. Can’t reach out for Magnus to comfort and be comforted, can’t reach out for his bow to go and murder, can’t go and destroy a bag in the training room, can’t do anything but listen as Magnus explains how he was broken.

“Ragnor tore his heart out and Cat locked his soul in a realm of eternal suffering.” Magnus answers, sounding grimly satisfied. “He’s… he’s the one who tore up my back.” he then explains on a shaking exhale of breath. “He said… he said he wanted to paint himself in my blood while he… while he _fucked_ me.” He says, his voice breaking as he finally crawls back to Alec, lets Alec wrap him up in his arms and hold him while he cries, deep, heart wrenching sobs that leave them both shaking.

“I don’t… I don’t know what to say to you Magnus, or that there is anything to be said. Nothing will change what happened to you.” Alec whispers, holding Magnus so tightly to him and refusing to let go. “I just-“ _I wish there was something I could do to fix this for you._

“You don’t have to say anything.” Magnus replies, on hiccuping breaths, looking up at Alec with tears still falling from his eyes. “Just hold me, love me.” Alec gives a jerky nod and breathes in deeply, he can hold Magnus, can love him, that’s what he’s good at. “I don’t remember how long I was with him, Cat and Ragnor said a week, but it felt… it felt like an eternity.” Magnus whispers, as Alec fights hard not to tense up, not to give in to the helpless grief and frothing rage he feels inside. The man who did this is long dead and suffering and all Alec can do now is hold Magnus, support him, and vow to protect him. “I couldn’t speak when Cat and Ragnor found me because I didn’t have a voice anymore, I-I’d screamed it away.” Magnus whispers, his words utterly bereft of feeling, the tears drying on his face, seemingly run out.

“Ragnor tried to remove the memories for me, when I asked, Cat tried, too, and so did I. We even tried to get a Memory Demon to steal them… I don’t know what that bastard did, how he did it, but the memories of him remain, unable to be removed. I think if I were to lose my memories of everything else, the memories of my time with him would still endure. So, we had to... we found other ways for me to cope and in time, I healed.” Magnus states, his eyes darkening. “But, after everything that happened, I decided I couldn’t love again, couldn’t let myself become so vulnerable to something like that again. If I hadn’t loved Camille, her betrayal wouldn’t have hurt me so badly that I left myself open. So, I locked my heart away, refused to let anyone in, until you.”

“I won’t let anyone hurt you.” Alec promises, certain no-one is supposed to feel as desolate as he feels in this moment. His love for Magnus is there, burning like an out of control blaze, set never to go out, but it’s surrounded by sorrow and a seemingly endless, helpless anger, the two swirling together, making his chest _ache_ , his eyes burn, and his hands tremble. They leave him feeling like his heart has been torn out of his chest and _he hates it_. Then, unbidden, a memory comes to the front of his mind, of Magnus hesitant, uncertain and Alec _not listening._ “Oh! Oh, God!” Alec exclaims, his chest suddenly tight for an entirely different reason. “Magnus, did I… was I… you didn’t want it the first time we...” Alec stutters out, his breaths coming in quick little gasps. “Oh my God, I-“

“No.” Magnus exclaims, shaking his head, gently caressing Alec’s face. “Alec, I was… I was fully capable of calling on my magic, of letting it defend me. If I didn’t want you, you’d have known. I’d have blasted you away and portalled you out of the loft so quickly it would have left your head spinning.”

“Are you… are you sure?” Alec questions, pressing his hand over Magnus’ and holding tight. “You can’t ever let me… you have to know if I was thinking straight, I’d never…”

“I know, Alexander.” Magnus assures him, leaning up to press a gentle kiss to Alec’s lips. “You didn’t take advantage; you didn’t force me into anything I didn’t want. Yes, I was hesitant, I was… I was scared, but if you’ll remember, I made us slow down, sit on the bed, and talk before I let you even do more than kiss me. So, no, Alexander, just _no._ ” Alec stares into Magnus’ eyes, searching for confirmation of Magnus’ words, and he finds it, so he lets out a shaking breath and nods his head.

“Okay. I just… you have to… you have to tell me if you don’t want it. I would never… I wouldn’t…”

“Alec, dearest. I promise.” Magnus murmurs, giving Alec a gentle smile. “I didn’t tell you this to make you worry or feel guilty, I told you so that you’d know why sometimes I leave the bed in the middle of the night and do not return. I told you so that you’d know why sometimes I wake you with my screaming. I told you so that you’d know if my glamours ever fell. I told you because I have lived a long life that you know nothing about. I told you because I love you and I don’t want to hide from you anymore.” Magnus takes a deep breath in and lets it out slowly, closing his eyes. “There are some days when I can’t get out of bed for feeling like the sky is caving in. There are some days when I wake up crying and I can’t remember why. There are some days when I just wish that everything would stop for five goddamn minutes. I’m telling you because, you said you wanted me to be happy and I need you to understand that 'happy' isn’t… it isn’t permanent. Happiness comes and it goes like the tides, it will never stay, not forever, and _that’s okay_. I need you to understand that, because there are going to be days where I will be unhappy, and it’s not your job to fix it.”

“Magnus-“ Alec tries, but Magnus isn’t having any of it.

“There are going to be days where I want nothing more than to curl up on the couch in old, faded, baggy clothing and watch movies all day and not move an inch. There are going to be days where I won’t be able to do anything but cry. There are going to be days where I won’t be able to look at you, to talk to you, because I just… won’t, and I won’t be able to explain it then as I can’t explain it now. There are going to be days where smiling is the last thing I want to do. There are going to be days where I will smile at you, and you’ll know that there is no spark in it. I am telling you all this, showing you this, because I need you to understand that happiness is something beautiful and amazing, but it never stays. I am telling you, because when my happiness is gone, I don’t need you to sacrifice everything to bring it back to me, I just need you here, willing to hold me, willing to love me until I can find it again on my own. I am telling you this, because if I lose you, truly lose you, I don’t know that I will survive long enough for the wound to scar.” Magnus tells him, pressing his hands over Alec’s heart.

“Magnus.” Alec breathes, pulling his warlock close to him and holding on tight, his breaths stuttering over his lips, before becoming sobs, as he clings, that horrible aching grief finally letting itself be known. “I promise, I’ll be with you always, no matter what. I promise I won’t abandon you.”

“That’s all I ask.” Magnus whispers, relaxing into Alec’s hold. “That’s all I could ever ask.”

They stay, clinging to each other long into the night, until sleep claims them, and when Magnus wakes screaming in the night, for the first time, Alec truly understands why. So, he does what he should have done every other night the same happened, he holds Magnus tight in his arms and promises never to leave him, promises to love him always, promises to see _Magnus_ and not just the face Magnus puts on for everyone’s benefit. He promises to fight Magnus’ battles _with_ him not _for_ him, and when sleep once more rises up to claim his warlock, Alec swears to be there when he wakes.

Magnus, in turn, promises the same to Alec, when his Shadowhunter collapses boneless and bloody in his arms after a long battle. Magnus promises the same, when his Shadowhunter wakes in his arms, crying and babbling about the endless faces that flicker before his eyes, Downworlders, Shadowhunters, whose lives were snuffed out at the tip of his arrows or his sword. Magnus promises the same, when Alec comes home, covered in warlock blood and refuses to let Magnus touch him. Magnus promises the same, when they stand together, watching Max’ body turn to ashes, leaving Alec behind to grieve the last of his family. Magnus promises the same, when the world changes around them and they are the only ones left to remember the people who came before.

Happiness is fleeting, it comes and goes like the tides, during the times it is gone, they have and hold each other close, their only light when the darkness grows around them. Happiness is fleeting, but it always comes back, whether you search for it or not.


End file.
